Hi there, Friend.
Welcome! Welcome to the chaos otherwise known as my life & inner thoughts.
They’re deep, they’re dark, they might be wonderful, they’re definitely incoherent and not at all helpful in my quest for life improvement.
How have you found your way here? My guess is you typed “What the fuck?”, “How to get my life back on track” or “Does everyone struggle this much?” into your trusty Google search engine, and it brought you here.
Whatever it was, I’m glad you found this safe space.
Almost a decade ago, as a 20 something adolescent, I blogged to release my thoughts & feelings and improve my mental health. It helped, but like most people who have suffered trauma in their lives, I overshared. On the internet. For all my friends and family to find, see and scrutinize; as a result after about a year I deemed the experience “kind of shit”, so I stopped.
Today, I am here for the same reason. My life is chaos and I don’t know how to improve it. I have been on many life improvement journeys over the years but nothing has stuck, and I suspect there are many others in the same boat because life is universally complex.
I feel tethered to chasing the traditional emblems of success while simultaneously questioning and rejecting them.
I feel stuck in the grips of social media, contributing to the ugly machine that is online engagement, witnessing the horrors of life 24/7, knowing it’s the problem, wanting to stop – but never stopping.
I swear the list of ‘how to fix my life’ tasks is longer than life itself:
- Clean my house more
- Eat Healthier food
- Be more organised
- Drink more water
- See friends more
- Do more self care
- Yell at the kids less
- Exercise more
- Use my phone less
- Read more books
- Yadda
- YADDA
- YADDA
- KILL ME PLEASE
ohhhh gooooooood this list is never ending. It’s impossible. WHERE DO I START. WHAT THE FUCK. I’m fucked, life is meaningless, there is no point, I suck at this; these efforts are empty. Just give up now. Eeeeend scene.
Yes, that was a dramatic retelling of the inner dialogue that occurs in my brain every day, multiple times a day.
To be fair, a lot of the things on the list aren’t fruitless, for example if I cleaned my house more; I’d likely have more clarity. If I were more organised and we ate healthier we’d likely feel better, save money, not contribute 50% of UberEats’ $12 billion yearly revenue, as a result. If I drank more water, exercised more, took more time out for myself… aka just remembered to brush my hair and my teeth everyday; shit would improve, for sure. But it aint that easy. I would already be doing it if it were.
Where do you start? How do you start? If I write one more useless list on one more useless bit of paper or in my useless iPhone notes, I might go clinically fucking insane.
That is what this blog is for. I want to change it all. Shake the shit, as some would say, and I want to document it to help someone else, even if to just feel less alone.
Maybe this process will also help me! Maybe THIS is the life improvement golden ticket. THIS might get Grandpa Joe out of bed (jackass).
Every week I want to implement one change into my life, document how it goes; what worked, what didn’t. Just TRY. Somewhere between the first and the last Donald Trump elections (America really fucked that one up) I lost my bravery to just fucking try. I became too scared to fail. Convinced myself I would always fail.
As a very VERY esteemed gentlemen once said “We all just want a fair shot at creating a life” – Andrew Garfield to Elmo. So lets create a fucking life, together.
